Well then....

So I had this idea in my head...

Because we (meaning me and lewy) hardly ever go out and do anything by ourselves due to lack of money and whatnot, I decided to do a weekly date night. I came up with a list of 52 dates for us to do, wrote them all down on a piece of paper and folded them up and put them in a can, decorated it all pretty and last night we were supposed to pick the first one.
The instructions were simple, on Monday night we pick a paper from the can, and before Sunday night of the same week we were supposed to do whatever was on the list... fun right?

Well apparently not, Lewy made a big deal about the whole thing and what was supposed to be a fun little thing with ideas to do together that dont cost much, ended up with me crying and throwing the whole thing in the bin.

Apparently Lewy thought I was being really pushy, something about saying he didnt know how to plan a date, thinking he needed to be told how to do it properly, how I would just end up getting upset if he picked something from there that I really wanted to do and then we couldnt do it that week, how I would just end up hurting myself with half the things I picked... how the whole thing just seemed silly because we have fun all the time!

Dont get me wrong I love the man to death but seriously sitting in the bedroom watching downloaded movies by myself while he plays on the playstation with Dan and Aaron gets old pretty quick.... I'm stuck in the house all day unless I'm working, and because I only work the one possibly two days a week I'm not gonna be the one that suggests we go out and spend a crap ton of money doing something if I'm not the one earning the money to spend... every once in a while we do go out and do something, like he took me to mini golf, but the last time we did something other than stay home and watch movies was so long ago I cant even remember when it was.

I'm not one of those people who has to spend money to have a good time, I just hate being stuck alone all the time, Lewy works 5 days a week sometimes 6, and since I have no money he usually has to pay for my petrol for me to even get to work.... every once in a while I go out shopping but hardly ever come back with something, and even when I do it's usually a $2-10 thing from k-mart, and we usually end up needing it, Lewy's not the type to enjoy going to the shops unless he wants to get something, and he's the in-and-out again type, so when I want to go do something even on the weekends he tells me to just go by myself because I'm a big girl.... and i dont like going by myself.

I dont even like being home alone by myself, I cant sleep if I'm home by myself.... yet in reality thats how I'm feeling lately... and I get accused of not being content with what I have....
So I'll throw it out there for everyone.... how are you supposed to be happy with what you have when you feel like you dont have anything?

Last night Lewy told me he had been thinking about kids lately... being the day after fathers day and all.... and how it sort of upset him that he didnt have that, how everyone he knew was able to tell him all the presents they got from their kids, and how much they loved them and stuff, and he was sitting there going "well my dogs smilled at me".... He had to bring up the whole money thing as to the reason why.... "we're too povo to have them"  and I dont think he realized how much that hurt me....

I feel bad enough that I cant seem to find a full time job if my life depended on it, now I'm hearing people thinking I'm a burden on Lewy because he has to pay for things, that he pays all the bills, that he has to pay for me like I'm a child.... and Lewy has always told me not to worry about it that we are ok, that he loves me and he knows I'm trying my best.... but last night because of this stupid dates in a can thing he let it slip that it bothers him just as much as it seems to bother everyone else....

And now I cant stop crying everytime I think about it... its bad enough that i feel this way about myself... but to find out everyone else is not only thinking it as well but actually telling other people about it as a way to try and get them to dislike me... I cannot express the amount of hurt I feel at the moment....

I've been sick since Wednesday with a bad chest infection, two days with a temperature over 38, yet I still managed to go an do my shift at work, i've still managed to cook meals, and keep the house clean, the laundry is hanging up to dry, the floors are vacuumed, the dishes are washed... I really do try my best... people want me to be content with what I have, yet no one seems to be content with me... its like people think I could walk out to my mailbox and trip over all the job offers I could have... like all I have to do is walk outside and some one will drive past and offer me a job as a brain surgeon... It's not like I want to sit at home all day... it's not like I want to be a burden on any one.... it's not like I'm doing this on purpose...

But apparently when I do complain it always comes back to why I care what other people think of me.... why cant I just be happy with what my family thinks.... when I bring up that most of MY family hasnt spoken to me since I moved to Australia 10 years ago, then suddenly I'm trying to be a martyr...  saying i feel like I have no friends...

so before I go off on a tangent and spiral down into that place that i cant get back out of without a bottle of vodka and 3 days of crying in bed, I'm gonna sign off.... I'm gonna go slap myself into being a normal person who doesnt get upset over stupid little things like my husband thought I had a silly idea...